These are the days of our offseason

By: Sean | March 18th, 2008

I’ve been away a bit on family business, so let’s get back up to speed, eh?

Hating New York: Back in style!

For years after 9/11, there was this respectful reserve toward New York. They’d suffered the tragedy so well, yada yada. Well, that was yesterday.

Today it’s a different story, thanks in no small part to the efforts of the Red Bulls front office. Revealing themselves to be serial coach-stealers, the Toros Rojo come-hithered Juan Carlos Osorio into emasculating himself by admitting his wife wears the pants in the family.

Disgusted by Osorio’s re-assignment as eunuch, the Fire agree to leave the Peripatetic One free to pursue the lifestyle he finds most rewarding away from the harsh expectations of a proven winner.

Not a moment too soon, as it turns out – it becomes clear that he has been whispering sweet nothings to fellow Colombian Wilman Conde, whose introduction mid-season stabilized the Fire’s defense. Conde began publicly pining for the-kinda-voodoo-that-Osorio-do-so-well, but the Fire have stood firm so far. Recent reports have the team somewhere in Mississippi , where (further tears-of-love-interrupted not forthcoming) perhaps Señor Conde has reconsidered his secret shame.

Now comes the punch line. New York has been extremely impressed in the offseason by a new import Osorio’s brought in – Lider Marmol, a 22-year-old Paraguayan defender/midfielder. As things look right now, Marmol could make the starting XI for New York on opening day – he’s looked fairly incredible in preseason.

This is where you just can’t help laughing. Osorio, before he was gelded, had tipped the Fire off to Marmol. Osorio had wanted to sign him last year, y’see, and the front office had balked, saying it was too late in the season – he wouldn’t even get to play. Then Osorio left, taking his interest in Marmol with him … but someone, some brilliant son of a bitch in the Fire front office had the foresight to file Discovery paperwork on December 10, one day before Red Bull New York.

Which means that, thankyouverymuch, we’ll take that solution to holding midfield off your hands, you winless monkey-dandlers.

Can’t wait for the season to start!